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:D thanks. If you have any comments or feedback as you read, feel free to share them--this story is a work in progress, and still evolving. Glad you are enjoying the tale!
By: Anson Brehmer on Fri, 18 September 2009 12:39:08
 
I love Gaven's wry tone, sets a great precisdent for the story to come. Enjoyable read so far, keep going!
By: Jennifer L Hart on Fri, 18 September 2009 11:25:07
 
Glad it's been enjoyable so far.
By: Anson Brehmer on Thu, 17 September 2009 00:38:08
 
Still enjoying this into the Second Night!
By: Sarah Raplee on Thu, 17 September 2009 00:32:03
 
Chapter 2: Great foreshadowing and description, plus an intriguing puzzle and higher stakes. Great work! (The things I'm find are more line edits than critique stuff - typos, capitalization, that sort of thing. If you're interested in a line edit, I can send one for each chapter in a private message.)
By: Sarah Raplee on Sun, 13 September 2009 20:26:09
 
Chapter 1: Hooked me right in with your voice! :0)
Two suggestions (IMHO):Consider dropping some dialogue tags. Manyh times, the reader will know who is speaking without them. In those places, they slow the story down. I know they are a jpart of your voice in the story, so I wouldn't eliminate them completely, just some of them. And be careful with tags like 'he hissed'; he can only hiss words with fricative consonants like 's' and 'c'- which isn't the case in the sentence where you used it in this chapter.
By: Sarah Raplee on Sun, 13 September 2009 19:55:35
 
Masterful world-building, an engaging protagonist, and an awesome opening line! I think Liane nailed it when she called your writing 'seamless'. (I'll post chapter comments as I go.)
By: Sarah Raplee on Fri, 11 September 2009 01:40:06
 
You have not yet begun to be harsh. I'll keep that in mind. As for checking chapter comments, I'd check them if I know how it worked, because I don't see any way to make chapter comments from my end. I would prefer chapter comments myself, since I have over two dozen chapters up and that would inflate my comment page to obscene levels.
By: Anson Brehmer on Mon, 07 September 2009 14:12:32
 
Dear Anson, I am not sure how this works. Should we add comments at each chapter. (I am not sure if writers check their chapter comments, on earlier chapters.)

Well, anyway,let me know which you would prefer. I will post this here, even though I posted it at the end of your chapter 1.

Wayne Thornton

Chapter 1: "ominous boom" ???? I love you and appreciate you. But that was the worst of cliches - and, at exactly the wrong time. I was really enjoying your story and then "boom" I got hit with "ominous". Dear Anson, you are better than that. --- Am I being too harsh? ... "a scary boom", "a mechanical boom", "a sudden boom", "a loud boom" -- Keep it coming, you are a great story teller. Wayne Thornton .

By: Wayne Thornton on Mon, 07 September 2009 14:04:30
 
"It was supposed to be an easy job. Get in, rob the mansion blind, retire happy. Then my idiot partner gets us caught ..." -- I enjoyed reading that line -- I am still laughing as to how realistically ironic that would be.

Wayne Thornton
By: Wayne Thornton on Mon, 07 September 2009 03:42:45
 
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