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Chapter 1:- 1
As long as I can remember I’ve always had a strong desire to write. It’s how I’ve been able to let everything out and properly explain myself. God knows I can’t read, I’ve probably only read 15 books in my entire life. I’ve had this problem of adding one to the answer of every math equation since I was a kid. Say 4+4=8 then I add the 1 in my head and it equals 9. I don’t know how I came up with this, I guess I always thought it’s a good idea to have one extra. You know? Just in case. And I think that’s how I was able to write this story.

"So we’re getting married again?"

Yea looks like it... to that baby momma chick this time tho.

“Hmm yea she kinda seems like a good girl too, don't get foolish now... Our love just flew in from London.”

But I love my baby momma, plus I like the streets and she likes life. We don’t have to be perfect, we could be good.

“Having a baby momma is like playing a game of chicken, only there’s no way to win. What about life?”

What about it? We never agreed to do it. All it ever did was scramble our brain.

“You’re crazy man, ain’t no chick want to be having no babies with you. She probably wants to be the next top model or something and even if she did, you wouldn’t even know what to do with a baby. Kids don’t want to be kids forever, what are you going to do when they grow up?”

I feel safe here and that’s all that matters. Beyoncé’s not my queen, she’s your queen. They can have her for all I care, she’ll never be able to find us here.

“Do you realize what you just said? They’re going to make you pay for that. You really think your safe? Nobody is safe from the war going on in this world.”

Go ahead let them, cause I got somebody to talk to that gives a damn. I got her to look after me and she got me to look after her and that’s why. This isn’t the war of the world, it’s the war of the mind. You got to have a best friend, now it’s my turn.

“You still believe friendship really exists after everything we’ve been through? There’s things people do and that’s all there is... people will do what they can get away with. You can’t keep going down the yellow brick road and expecting different results. We’ve been done dirty twice by everyone we ever knew before we even got a chance to live, I am the evolution of everything that’s ever happened to us.”

You’re evolving now? What are you some kind of mutant? You’re forgetting I’m from the streets and I don’t need you to survive anymore. I think she would do right by us too. She knows what you are, what you represent, she’s not intimidated. She’ll take you down and rip you apart if you keep going the way you’re going. At least I’ll get to be myself with her. You’ll always have to be someone else.

“I’m the one calling the shots here, not you. I’m going to lead us out of this maze one way or another. How do you know she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with an autistic guy because that’s what her mom did and she’s trying beat her at her own game? That’s right, she didn’t show any interest til she thought you were on the spectrum. How do you know this is her final spot? There’s a reason why she would accept you. Nothing lasts forever. People will ultimately disappoint. You can’t have a kid and lock it up in a house because you want to see how long you can live. What kind of life can you offer your kid, at least my son will have something to take over when I’m gone.”

Out? How can you say that? Why do you want to lead people that are only going to tear you down when it’s no longer beneficial to them anyway? Everyone you lead will end up with nice lives. They’ll never even give you credit. It’s not your enemies that get you, it’s your own people. At least I’m trying to experience life and not just survive it. I’m not leaving my baby momma, not now not never. It doesn’t matter what her interests are, the experience is still going to be the same. I want to see how long I can stay in the center of this maze.

“You know you’ll get lost in that maze, you’ll cross the line trying to reach something you can’t attain, trying to get closer and once that happens that’s it, you’ll be left with a bunch of broken thoughts. You’ll be like one of those people working for their retirement and not knowing what that means til 30 years later. There’s maybe 50-100 people in the world that could do what we can do, I’ve only been able to count 17 so far and you want to throw it all away? We could be the best. You can’t trick your mind into doing something it doesn’t want to do.”

Is that such a bad way to go out? Being deeply in love knowing your kids are safe with their mom and will have a better life than you? Oh and since there’s 50 assholes in the world you have to be one of them? Why not just write books? At least they’ll accept you. There’s always going to be somebody better. Somebody new will come along. It’s not safe, people don’t even understand what you’re trying to do. They’re going to crucify us. Plus don’t you see how angry everyone is that has lived more than once? This is our heaven and you want to trade it in for a prison? Was this even your idea or are you doing what your father did? Ever think he was a fool for following in his fathers footsteps? When I first realized she was with me, some college punk bumped into me on the street. I thought he was going to ask for a dollar or try and sell me a mixtape instead he grabbed me by the shoulder and said “God bless you” That don’t happen ever. It’s a winning lottery ticket and you’re going to keep playing? At least I can say this was my idea.

“I’m not even sure what I’m trying to do, but it beats whatever fucking road you’re heading down. Nobody knew what Hemingway did, it didn’t stop him from doing tho. If I’m going to do this, it’s going to be on my terms. No one else’s. Free to create. Those 50 people are our brothers and sisters. They stood for something, the perfection of man. Everything you do is going to be a prison because there’s no way out since you have an inability to give and receive love. We have never failed to feel tho. Our father has been playing devils advocate to make sure we had something and that we weren’t left stranded, this is it.”

I don’t even care about that anymore, I want to raise a couple kids, see their life into adulthood and teach them about life. I want to feel that line, tiptoe it and when the kids ask what I do, I’ll tell them I love their mom. Don’t you see every-time you try to create something beautiful someone is always going to be there to rip it apart and tear it down? Make something good enough for you and your people at least that way your own people will understand what you’re trying to do. You make everything so complicated, we could get a job in a warehouse and no one will bother us, the few that know us might say “oh there’s a guy that could have been anything” but who cares? Nothing will even matter.

“C’mon man, you know she’s not real and the kids don’t exist. We’re going to trip and fall like we always do. Same as our first pair of shoes, same as our second pair of shoes. Nothing changes it just starts again. She’s just a connection, a wall to bounce off of, keep moving forward. Don’t you think Vince Gilligan tried to do what you’re doing? His own brother scumbagged him so he burnt down his house. Are you going to let your brother get away with that? or are you going to let me stick the knife in once and for all? Vince risked everything and ended up with nothing. Like that fortune cookie said, “In order to gain what you can’t lose, you must first give up what you can.”

Geez at least she’s more real than you. She’s the closest thing to a real friend I’ll ever find. She tries to understand me and make me understand myself. You’ll always have to hide behind a woman, I’ll get to have mine stand behind me.

“You only want to do this because it goes against everything your parents did and what they raised you to do. You just know if you want kids she’ll magically appear and you can go another 18 years without opening up Pandora’s box again. You don’t know how to get into a relationship and maintain your sense of self. At least I stand for something, what do you stand for? Kids, love, friendship? You can spend the next 8 years getting into something only to find out how lost you really are or we can spend the next 8 years setting off on what we really intended to do. By the time you finally get what you want it will already be devalued, but this here, this right here... when we cook it up and it comes out it’s always fresh. I’m the only friend you’ll ever have.”

That’s why it feels right, I’m rebelling. Oh so now you stand for something? You and you’re righteous ground.. I stand for freedom. I’m free to be myself and free to leave whenever I want, it’s my choice to stay. You know I really didn’t even think I’d make it this far, now I got you and I’m pretty sure I don’t want that either. You can’t put a value on yourself. I know if we step another foot forward into this thing we’ll have to embrace it fully. All you do is spit some raw truth and distract everyone from what you’re really doing. If I can see the slightest chance of friendship and a kid turning into a decent human being I’m taking it. That’s a good enough life for me. What is it you’re after? Money, women, fame? How many oceans do you need to swim in to find out we’re all lost?

“Hey that’s not part of the plan, we’re supposed to go home. What if I told you the same ground you stand on, is the same ground you’ll be buried in? Would that make you change your mind? No none of those, I want to write something and I need you to help me. The only way I can write it is if I’m stuck somewhere in between a dream.”

Home? Why? So you can burn it down again? I’m already home and I’m already free. Tell mother I’m sorry, I’m not going to be home for supper. I found the loophole. This place is everything I’ve ever wanted. You’ll have to write it on your own. Even if you made it that far to write it you know you wouldn’t stop there, you’d give yourself something else to do. This is it, this is my spot.

“Not cool, but I’ll let her know. Doesn’t matter anyway, no one is going to believe a gambling man and by the time you get to decide, you probably won’t even remember your way back. You think a guy like me comes this far to turn around? And when the kids ask what their father does, I’ll tell them I write.”

And that’s how I ended up with one extra.
Chapters:  1 Next Last 
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