LOWLIFE

A shocking political scandal meant that I was no longer front page news. Except, that is, for the stories which I had contributed. These tickled my ego into producing a girlish giggle.

My morning ninja workout just finished, my mobile rang. “Harris-Argyll here. I’ve got photographic dirt on a marvellously appalling lowlife. The scandal is thoroughly guaranteed. My place in an hour?”

“I’ll be there.” Lippy soon applied and hair neatly brushed, I eased my trusty 4 x 4 out of the garage. The fog was relatively mild this morning – I could see all the way down the street to the traffic lights.

DICTATOR

“A South American dictator is staying in a mews house around the corner from here. Word is, he came to London in search of a new PR. But that’s not the worst. His agents have their hands on a royal corgi.”

My hand flew to my mouth. “Dear lord, but how? Why?”

“The ‘how’ involves a rogue dog walker at Buckingham Palace.”

“Is nothing sacred?”

“I know. The ‘why’ involves a plan to return the corgi, before it is missed, after it has been suitably brainwashed.”

“What would the poor brainwashed corgi be forced to do?”

“Unknown. Though if the public find out, it would become a proverbial political football. Fact! Here are the photos. The brainwashing device is standard issue.”

“That’s General Carlos Santos de Vargas of Rioguay, in full military uniform, laden with braid and bogus medals. He’s holding a metallic gadget which has a short antenna. He’s pointing that antenna at a corgi, which in turn wears a metallic silver hat. Silver flashes of some kind appear to be leaping between the antenna and the hat. When did you take these photos?”

“Not 15-minutes before I called you. My contacts inform me that a brainwashed dog must be tested outside, before the technique can be deemed a success. That gives the general two hours at most in which to return the dog. With no garden to the property, they will be forced to conduct the test in the mews. That’s when we can strike.”

“We don’t have time for a disguise.”

“No. But my old Ossian Regiment chum, Squiffy McTalbot, lives four doors down from them.”

“When we’ve torn the general off a strip, we can give him a thorough thrashing with it.”

“Tally ho.”

To be continued…