Chapter 1:- Who I Am
My name is Adrina. This is my last statement, so that everyone will know my true story. If you are reading this, I must be gone and you must be searching for answers. You will find them here.
All my life I have been ruled by addiction. Well, there was more than one addiction, but I mean the big one, the one that gave rise to all others. It drove me mad, ate away at me from inside. I wove a web so large and complex, I couldn't keep it together. And even as it fell apart, I felt the compulsion. I had to lie.
It was there from the beginning - a fascination with fiction. There was always something to lie about - spelling tests, what I did with friends, dreams I had. There was nothing to conceal. I just lied for the sake of lying, to see if I could fool people. I could. The lies rolled freely off my tongue, and neither the morals nor the lectures my teachers tried to give me stopped their flow. I didn't particularly have anything against telling the truth: lies were just better. Truth was terribly boring. There was no risk. Maybe I just like to play games with people. I always hope there may be one among the many smart enough to see through me but they're all so stupid. Too late I realized that what you pursue becomes your reality. But don't leave yet - you shouldn't hold strong opinions about things you don't understand.
I used to have many faults, now I only have two: Everything I say, and everything I do. I am an animal, picked up from my home and placed two mountains and three rivers away. I can't find my way back. I know what its like to want to die; how it hurts to smile; trying to fit in but not being able to; how to hurt myself on the outside to try to kill the thing that's inside. I've seen so many things that haunt me. So many things.
Maybe I should clarify a few things. For instance, why my teachers were teaching me morals, and not my parents. Maybe you are in the same boat I am in. Maybe you noticed nothing odd in my parents seeing nothing wrong with any of this because they were not there and were not interested. But maybe you saw that this is wrong - maybe this sent up a little red flag in your mind. Well, I'll tell you straight off then, shall I? My parents could not care less. I was unwanted and unexpected. My dad hated me for existing. My mom resented me for tying her to my dad (they both came from super-conservative families, so they had to get married, and cannot – will not – get divorced). In elementary school, I already had a few problems under my belt. I should have been locked up then, but I wasn’t. I was tossed around from teacher to teacher, friend to friend, people willing to take me in. No one saw the warning signs, so I remained broken. A stable childhood. (Read: My life sucks.)
Think of this as a slice of the pie that is my story. This is pie you can sink your teeth into. Apple pie, maybe? Yes, my story is apple pie. Sweet and sour, with a delicious outside, while the inside is a matter of opinion. You are reading the pieces of my story – eating the slices of my pie. Now, cutting down my story, I finally begin to understand it. Understand that there may be more sweet in my apple pie than I thought.